Me and Joe were following this attractive, but very talkative young lady through a rather peculiar rambling old building. The young lady was giving us a potted history about every item in each room and telling us how unique the building was. I do not think I would have minded any of this talking so much if I had thought, even for one moment that any of what she was saying was the remotest bit true.

It had all started when me and Joe had received this very imposing letter from The Trusting Development Corporation. This letter had come quite out of the blue, it said that they, the Trusting Development Corporation, had this small little inn called The Shadow and Spread, this inn was up for sale and would we allow them to take us out for dinner and show us the property.

Now it was the word dinner which we read twice, that really made us decide to take them up on the offer.

It did strike us as rather on odd offer as we stood waiting for the buss to take us to our meeting with the representative from The Trusting Development Corporation. I occurred to us that they did not know who we are, that they probably thought we were buying property for some big brewery. We could not think where they had got our names from, but as every one round these parts knew by now we were looking for a pub word must have got to the Trusting Corporation. As they were not from round here they must have got the wrong end of the stick from somebody. As we waited at the bus stop we wondered if we ought to put them straight about who we were but as they were the ones who contacted us, we decided we would have to tell them some time, but after the dinner.

After a short bus ride we got off the bus to be met by this rather smart and somewhat over keen young lady, who promptly announced she was from the sales department of The Trusting Development Corporation. Well I ask you, how can you trust anyone from a firm with a name like that.

Her name was Pauline Ponsenbery-Smyth and she beamed at us with a smile that made us wish we had brought our sun glasses with us.

" I'm so pleased you could come." She announced and added that as the property is a short distance from there she had laid on some transport.

" Err yes err hello pleased to meet you." I said and introduced Joe.

That was about the last full sentence I got in, from then on Pauline did the none stop sales patter. She had obviously been through all the sales managers courses and all the seminars, takeing everything she had been told to hart. She started talking even as she showed us to the large black limousine complete with chauffeur, they had laid on as transport, this was not transport this was style. She did not even want to put newspaper down on the seat before Joe sat down.

The limousine slid silently into the main road accompanied only by the background noise of Pauline chatting.

" .. interested in service areas of commercial development .. "

From the moment the limousine had pulled away Pauline it seems was telling us all about the company, me and Joe however were not listening we were enjoying the rather rare experience of riding in a vehicle where you were not deafened by the engine, choked by the fumes or startled by the sudden rattle of bits falling off. The sheer luxury of not having to stop every so often to pick said bits up off the road.

The limousine turned from the main road and swept down a long avenue lined with tall trees planted along each side. Silently it pulled up in front of a very large and very imposing building. Joe looked startled surely this was not The Shadow and Spread. It was not however it was were Pauline thought we would have a small lunch to get to know each other before travelling on to see the property we were supposed to be interested in.

I looked up as we got out of the car, it was a large victorian building, even the front step was polished, a man in uniform was at the front door ready to open it for us. It was the sort of place that me and Joe would generally get thrown out off.

Pauline explained it was one of the restaurants in the group owned by the company, she continued on to give us a potted history of all the restaurants in the ownership of company. I could get not to like Pauline.

As we entered the dining room of the hotel it became apparent that the little lunch was going to be a very large dinner. The dining room was enormous and me and Joe sat feeling very conspicuous amongst the twinsets and dinner jackets of the other guests. We were trying desperately hard to be on our very best behaviour and were determined not to make fools of our selves, not an easy task. We might have succeeded in our efforts and melted into the general background of the restaurant if the waiter serving our table had not taken an instant dislike to me and Joe. I think he had decided to try and show us up in front of Pauline because he was better dressed than we were. Joe started off on the wrong foot by telling the waiter that he had been given too many knives and forks.

The dinner started orderly enough with little free food samples called Pretty for Grass or something, these were given to us I suspect because it took so long bring the main course. Me and Joe made a pact that today we were not going to make pigs of ourselves. This was not going easy, because the waiter would bringing us more and more food, he kept asking us if we wanted second helpings, I noticed that he did not seem to ask other people at the other tables around us if they wanted seconds. The meal degenerated by the end of the main course into third and fourth helpings of roast potatoes, beef, and then treacle pudding.

None of this food chaos going on at the other side of the table seemed to perturb Pauline one bit, she had been talking continuously about profit margins and share value exchange rates or something. She seemed to find this subject extremely interesting and was talking loud enough for the whole restaurant to hear. I think she was getting on the waiters nerves because he was trying to make her go quiet up by getting her tipsy, every time she even took a sip from her glass of wine, he kept filling it up again, right to the brim. I did not think that this ploy by the water was having any effect until Pauline got up to go to the ladies room. Only just making it to her feet she wobbled some what alarmingly across the restaurant causing several people to dive for cover as she zigzagged towards the door.

While she was gone me and Joe had a quick double helping of apple pye and cream. To save time and his shoe leather the waiter had parked the desert trolley beside our table. There were several kinds of cheese so me and Joe were trying them all. Pauline returned eventually and ordered a large pot of coffee. She was very quiet through the coffee. By the time we were finishing the last drink of coffee the restaurant was almost empty, the only water still hovering about was ours. Most people had obviously only had one dinner.

" I won't be able to eat another thing for a week." said Joe.

" Two weeks." I said.

" Ooooo don't shout." said Pauline.

I was stretching my arms above my head, feeling full and very relaxed when I noticed out of the corner of my eye, two rather large men walking menacingly across the restaurant towards us. The waiter had pointed us out to them and now they were almost upon us, one was a giant of a man, huge hands, large shoulders and a dark tanned face supporting a large mustache. The other man was not so tall, but what he lost in hight he more than made up for width he was almost round. Oh dear, I thought, bouncers this is where we get kicked out, I bet Pauline has not got enough money to pay for this lot.

The two men stopped by our table and the larger one of the two spoke in a deep threatening voice.

" Are you the two who had three helping of beef and yorkshire pudding." said the large one.

" Errrr." I erred.

" And two treacle puddings a large apple pye and apple strudel." said the other.

" Well it was so good." said Joe.

" And the beef was perfection." I said." The gravy was, well, I'm sorry we ask for more but I just got carried away it was so good."

" Which is just what you've come to do isn't it." said Joe.

" Do what." said the big one.

" Carry us away." said Joe

" Carry away." said the round one. " What do you mean."

" You've come to throw us out because we made pigs of our selves." I said.

" Good heavens no." said the large one. " We're the chefs we've come to shake you by the hand." with that he grabbed my hand and shuck it violently up and down.

" Why." said Joe.

" Well these days people only peck at their food like sparrows." he gave an impression of a sparrow pecking at something. " They are all watching their calories and fat intake. You don't know how lovely it is to cook for people who really appreciate the food enough to ask for more. It is a great compliment for people to like your food so much they want more." said the large cook.

" And you liked my pastries." said the other." I made a special effort over the strudel."

" We'd compliment you some more only we haven't got any more room inside." said Joe.

" It's been a pleasure cooking for you." said the large cook, and with one final shake of our hands they both left.

Pauline looked at us silently across the table. It seems they had never done that before. I told Pauline that I thought we had better get off to look for the pub now.

" What pub." said Pauline in a soft dreamy voice .

I indicated that I thought it was the object of this day out something to do with a little place called The Shadow and Spread.

" Oh that." said Pauline. " I'd forgotten about that."

We helped Pauline across the dining room and out into the hotel lobby. As we slowly manoeuvred her towards the main door to leave suddenly the waiter appeared and handed me a tray with a large silver jug and some cups on it. I ask him what that was for. Strong black coffee he told me he thought I was going to need it. Pauline I suggested, the water sniffed raising his eyebrows, not just her. I ask him if he was suggesting I was squiffy but he said certainly not me or Joe, but thought perhaps you should check the chauffeur who just might be needing a cup or two.

The big black car was standing outside the front door exactly where we had left it. I did not think the chauffeur looked any different from the time when we had left him, until he got out to open the door for us. He went to the back door of the car and no matter how hard he tried he did not did seem able to make his hand find the handle to the car door. After a few minutes of this pantomime I opened the door and we slid Pauline onto the rear seat. I then sat the chauffeur down on the running board of the car, while Joe poured out two cups of black coffee.

I asked the chauffeur what he had been up to. He said we were such a long time and there was this young assistant cook, lovely girl he used to go out with before he was married, well it was her birthday and everybody in the kitchen was celebrating, celebrating a bit too hard, he paused and had a drink of coffee. The chauffeur said he resisted for an hour but it was like a party in the kitchen, the cooks seemed to be having a whale of a time as they were making a special effort for some gourmets upstairs.

I ask the chauffeur if he would be alright to drive, the coffee was working and he thought he would be alright in a few minutes, it was not so much the drink as too much treacle pudding. It was some treacle pudding, the chauffeur told me that they excel in treacle puddings at this place. Joe would certainly agree he had three helpings.

The chauffeur ask what have we had done to her ladyship as she had never been that quite since he had known her. I told him it was too much red wine. It must have been good stuff said the chauffeur, I told him it was some of the best I had ever tasted. It must have been he said she is teetotal. Some one I suggested was going to have one heck hang over tomorrow morning then.

Several cups of coffee later we were quietly driving along leafy country lanes. I am not sure if anybody in the car knew where we were going, in fact I do not think anybody in the car cared. We took several roads into some very pleasant little villages only to turn round and go back the way we had come, then try another road. Me and Joe were half asleep, we would have been completely asleep if something deep inside Paulines head, from some long forgotten sales seminar, had not given her the feeling that she should be talking, selling, disgorging information. She was sitting between me and Joe quite quietly and only half conscious, then suddenly she would come out with some partly formed sentence.

" .. influences the market strategy..... more potatoes.." then she would tale off into silence again.

Eventually the Limousine pulled into the little village of Busby in the Wold. Pauline had just about got all her sentences together by this time and was giving us a complete rundown on the delights of Busby in the Wold.

I tried to tell Pauline that I knew this village but I could not get a word in and I did not have the energy to shout. She did not seem to take any breath between sentences anyway.

The village of Busby in the Wold is nice but odd place, tucked away in the middle of nowhere. I had visited it years before on one of Spottys expeditions looking for old barns, we did not find anything for Spotty but I did get to know an eccentric old character called Flex Olson. Flexs real name was Felochin Yelvenolson, but nobody could pronounce that. He was from holland and was a demolition contractor by trade, he travelled all over the country demolishing old houses and selling the materials. He lived in a rather strange cottage that had been built up over the years out of bits and pieces from the houses he had demolished. Fortunately for Olson the local planning officer never come any where near Busby in the Wold.

I visited Olson several times as we shared an interest in cabinet making, he restored antique furniture as a hobby and was very good at it. He mended the odd peace for local people and when there was none of that work to do, he made reproduction furniture for his own cottage simply to try out different methods of making or finishing the furniture.

Over the couple years I knew him I had slowly got used to the crystal clear fire water he brought out with a ' You like Yha.? ' and a wave of a bottle. The name of the liquid I never could pronounce but it was some brew from holland and had a kick like a dinosaur.

The limousine had stopped right in the middle of the village as this was the only place where such a big car could stop without blocking the entire road.

I shook Pauline and told her we were here, where, was the reply I got from a rather dazed Pauline. I told her we were it Busby in the Wold. The Shadow and Spread she managed to say just over there and pointed out the rear window of the car.

This was rather an odd statement because I knew for a fact that there was no pub in Busby in the Wold, in a village with only eight houses it is not something one would easily miss.

I thought she had said it was an old place but it must be some new place her company had built here. She insisted it was a very old place and indeed she was told some parts of it dated back to the sixteenth centaury, they have had their experts come down and date parts of it, it was apparently a fascinating place.

Joe looked puzzled as we got out the car, he did allot of bird watching around these parts and he knew that this area where the village was had been a swamp until it was drained in eighteen sixty, which puts the sixteenth centaury a bit off line. Pauline told us that their experts did not get these things wrong after all that was why they are the experts. You could quite easily dislike Pauline.

We walked across the road and stood beneath a very ancient pub sign. It was a lovely old timber sign hanging from an even older iron frame of hand worked wrought iron with scrolls attached to the most ornate fluted cast iron support column. The beautifully worked gold lettering proclaimed that this was indeed The Shadow and Spread. Pauline marched purposefully up to the front door.

" Just a minute." said Joe. " Isn't this Olsons place."

" Yes." I said.

" Hadn't you better tell her." said Joe.

" I'm trying, but our experts know their business, after all they are the experts." I said.

" Notice the sixteenth centaury carved scroll work around the door posts." said Pauline as we entered the porch.

" It's not what it seems." I said.

" Look I know you are going to try to force the price down by trying to dispute the wonderful history in this place, I've heard you're shrewd negotiators." said Pauline.

" Sprats." Me and Joe said together.

" Pardon." said Pauline.

" Nothing." I said.

Sprats Lynem ran the Fillet and Smooth at the north end of the golf course, he was annoying us one sunday with stories about how he knew everyone who was anyone in the brewery trade. He had vaguely heard we buying pubs and was trying to impress us, so rather than let on we were only looking for a friend, we made out we were big negotiators for a syndicate and dressed scruffy to keep the prices down. He must have tipped off this Trusting Development Corporation about us and of course they had got completely the wrong idea. But that did not explain why we were being shown around Olsons place.

As we entered the main hall Pauline went on about how the place was steeped in history how you can just feel it. I knew everything in here has got history alright but not its own. It seems the company had their experts from London to catalogue everything, she went on about the main hall being part of the medieval hall house which was distinguished by an original ......

Pauline then started to recite what must have been the entire catalogue their so called experts had written. On and on she went as we followed her from room to room being given a potted history of each junk filled room and being told in no uncertain terms how unique this building was. It was unique but not in the way she thought.

We trudged after Pauline not knowing quite what to say or how to say it, not that either of us could have got a word in anyway. She had now got her second wind after the dinner episode and was really throwing her self into this. We were wandering through what was at one time the workshop but had now been turned into a long lounge bar. It was then I heard a familiar chink of glasses.

' You like Yha.? '

I looked round. There was Olson standing behind the bar beaming from ear to ear with the biggest smile I have ever seen on him.

" Yha!." I said.

" Yha to." said Joe and we went to sit on the bar stools as Olson poured out three tumblers full of fire water. It was always a tumbler full, I had never yet been able to get more than half way down it.

Pauline did not notice me and Joe quietly drop out of her guided tour because she was so engrossed in describing the place. She was giving a large sweeping gestures with her arms indicating some feature or other as she disappeared through the door at the other end of the bar. As her voice died away in the distance as me and Joe settled down for a drinking session with Olson.

I asked Olson what all this selling up was about. Yha said Olson, selling up, retire, go back to family in Holland, have sister there, not seen for long time. Be nice to go home. I told him this was his home, he shook his head, this was business. I ask him when it was turned into a pub, seemed that on one wanted to buy funny old cottage in country, so Olson turned his cottage into a country inn, a real old inn, got a licence Olson assured me, no pub near for thirteen miles. I ask him if he had actually sold it, Olson gave on of his big smiles, oh yes, make into pub then lots interested said Olson pouring himself some more rocket fuel. Olson pointed a finger to the door where Pauline had gone, these people very interested buy almost straight away, they have experts. Apparently these experts did lots of tests, they said the very old. Olson ask if we liked sign outside, it was from place in Devon. Couldn't they tell it is all a fake I said. Olson protested, no fake it is very old, just not all old from same place.

Joe said he liked it rasing his glass and gulping downing half the glass full of rocket fuel. " Haaaaa Ooooooo." went Joe choking as the explosive force of the liquid hit the back of his throat making him fall off his stool.

The sound of Joe falling from his stool and hitting the floor brought Pauline back into the bar.

" That's where you are." said Pauline. " You'll never guess, I was going on about the place talking to my self. I must have lost you, I'm so sorry."

" That's alright." I said." We needed a rest."

" You like." said Olson, pouring a tumbler full of rocket fuel.

" Oh thank you." said Pauline taking the glass of clear sparkling liquid. " Local spring water is it."

Before I had chance to say anything let alone to shout, don't drink it, it will blow the back your head off, Pauline had done what Joe did, taken a huge gulp of the liquid.

The chauffeur was fast asleep in the passenger seat of the parked limousine, it was still in the middle of the street just where we had left it. Me, Olson and Joe carried Pauline out into the fresh air and laid her gently down on back seat of the car without waking the chauffeur. Mind you I think we could have blown the horn and jumped up and down on the bonnet without waking him up, he was very very sound asleep.

" Well what now." said Joe.

" How about something to eat." said Olson.

I wont say me and Joe were exactly sick at the suggestion, but at that particular moment it was not the most welcome of suggestions.

" Well." said Olson. " In that case I have some surprise for you."

" I don't think I can take any more surprises today." I said.

" Nice present." said Olson. " Come. I have a new baby."

" A baby." said Joe looking at me. I shrugged, I didn't know what he was talking about.

We went round to be back of his house, or should I now say the Shadow and Spread, and into a large old barn where Olson kept goats the last time I was here. Olson opened the doors, the goats were gone. At one end was all his cabinet making equipment, mostly packed for moving. The other end was stacked to the ceiling with a pile of things covered from the dust with a large tarpaulin. We went over to where he had his tools. Olson pulled out a large well worn wooden box with brass corners and brass handles.

I knew what this was, only a few people in the country would know. Olson opened the lid revealing the contents, inside there was a series of compartments with screw top jars and bottles, each jar contained a different coloured liquid. They were french polishes and the recipe book for the polishes, Olson told me he wanted me to have it. He was going to send it to me before he left but fortune had somehow brought me here first. I did not know what to say, Olson told me to say nothing until I had seen the other present he had got for me. Other present I queried why should he give me anything I ask. Olson said simply because for one thing I was as potty as he was about collecting things and for another he certainly could not take this item with him.

Olson went to the other end of the barn and started to pull the tarpaulin covering what I had thought was a large pile of junk. Only it was not a pile of junk.

" You can't be serious." I said.

" Bats teeth." said Joe. " I know you said he's potty but.."

" You say I'm potty." said Olson.

" Well eccentric perhaps." I said.

" You probably right with potty." said Olson.

" But what am I supposed to do with that." I said.

That apparently had been my problem he just thought I was just the sort of person who knows the sort of people who would know what to do with it.

Potty people Joe commented. I was rather funny he should have thought that however as I just happened to know of somebody who was asking me if I knew where he could get hold of one of those. I thought the chap was stupid for asking me at the time. Joe questioned who would want one of these, I told him Bill Watson. Olson wondered if I thought he was serious did he really wants one. Joe assured him it was probably true Bill Watson was a crackpot.

By the golden light of the afternoon sun shinning through the open doors of the barn, we stood, contemplating the object of Olsons generosity. A 1917 Fowler AA7 class compound ploughing traction engine. Number 15233.

After about ten minutes of just looking there was nothing else for it, we just had to play with it.

We climbed all over the traction engine, playing with it, I mean technically studying it. Turning everything that could be turned and pushing everything that could be pushed, time melted by, it was started to get dark, it was time to go home. Covering the traction engine up and closing the barn doors we wondered back to the limousine where the chauffeur and Pauline were still both snoring away soundly asleep.

" How do we get the sleeping beauties home." I said as we looked at them.

" Think I'd better drive them home." said Olson.

" Do you know where they live." I said.

" Yha." said Olson. " They been here many times. Good lady bought me nice dinner in posh restaurant."

We sat Pauline up and pushed her into a corner of the back seat, she did not wake up, me and Joe then got in. Olson drove the car like an expert dropping us off near the centre of town, me clutching my large box of polishes and Joe carrying a large carved wooden eagle that he had found at the back of the barn. I promised Olson that I would tell Bill Watson about the traction engine then watched as Olson drove off into the setting sun. Well behind the railway station but you get the general idea.

I never saw Olson again. I had one postcard from Denmark saying he was fine and had just bought a windmill, the postcard had a picture of the Eiffel tower on it, I can only assume that it was one of a job lot he had picked up cheap from somewhere.

We never heard from the Trusting Development Corporation. Having nobbled two of there best operatives, I can only assume it they did not want to risk the entire future of their company by contacting us again. Me and Joe agreed on one thing however, it was certainly the best dinner that we have ever had.